speedin_car (speedin_car) wrote,
speedin_car
speedin_car

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Goodbye

How can I say how I'm feeling? How can I tell what I've seen today on his funeral? How can I keep going on knowing he won't be around, with his shy smile and bright eyes?

I can't say what I felt when his brother read the letter he wrote before taking the pills... I was sad, outraged, I felt like screaming: "How did that happen? Didn't you know we would always be here for you?" I think I never clenched my teeth so strongly... I don't remember wanting to cry and not being able to...

I can't say how I felt when Saúl played Schubert's Ave Maria on the violin... It was truly the lousiest version of the music I heard (he was shaking so much...) but it was the most beautiful and meaningful music I've ever heard...

I can't say how I felt when almost 250 people spread their university cloakes on the floor (including me) when the coffin left the church. It was so beautiful, a black pathway in the middle of the curch and all the "trajados" making two rows and crying together.

I can't say how I felt when I saw people from other years, who never talked to him, crying. That was when I understood the dimension of what happened. And the teachers...

I can't say how I felt when the director of ECSUM (Escola de Ciências da Saúde da Universidade do Minho - School of Health Sciences of UM) read in the funeral and, before leaving the altar, said: "O Tiago está vivo."

I can't say how I felt when Joel, Carmo, Vilaca, João and some other friends of his went to the altar and read their speeches. All I remember was everyone standing and clapping after each one of them talked. I can't even conceive the idea that I could be one of them, up there, if I had accepted all the invitations Tiago made me to study with them at his house.

I can't say how I felt when I heard your brother read this part of the letter: "Aos meus colegas, continuem a lutar, e queria-vos pedir para tentarem concretizar o meu sonho de encontrar a cura para a depressão".
We will try, Tiago, we will...

"Serás para sempre o nosso Tiaguinho"
"Vai olhar por nós no nosso longo percurso"
"Parece que foi ontem que gritámos juntos pelo curso, há uma semana atrás, no cortejo!"
"É a nossa estrelinha da sorte a partir de hoje"
These were some of the things I heard today.

Saudade é o que fica. Juntamente com a memória dos momentos que passámos todos juntos nos jantares, no cortejo, no Enterro da Gata, nas aulas, nos intervalos, nos almoços...

Saudade...
Tags: saudade, tiago
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